Divorce is Restructure, Not Destruction/Photo by Lisa Fotios from Pexels
It’s Not About Winning; It’s about Restructuring
There is no winning in divorce. For someone to win, someone else must lose. Stop thinking about it this way.
Divorce isn’t about winning. It’s about restructuring the family.
Restructure of Family
In a divorce with children, children’s health is most important. Little ones crave predictability and certainty. In that, they grow secure and confident. The first thing you need to think about is “How will we tell the children? How can we shield them from any negativity involved in uncertainty? How can we arrange a schedule that will enable them to feel our presence even when we’re not with them?”
Restructure of Duties
In a 2-parent household, parents assume different roles in the home.
What happens in a divorce?
Who will pay the bills? Both of you.
Who will need to support the children? Both of you.
Who will take care of the children. BOTH.
Do not focus on the old way. It didn’t work. You weren’t happy with it. Look forward to the new way. You may be a little apprehensive about joining the work force if your husband historically earned the money. But many a client of mine have told me how grateful they are for having been given the opportunity to work. It was satisfying to become self-sufficient and not have to rely on him.
And if you were previously the working dad that complained about not spending enough time with the children, it’s your pay day! You now have the chance to spend time with them, to really step up and care for them.
You both will need to restructure how things were done.
Restructure of Finances
You will need to set a budget.
Now that there are TWO households, the expenses are TWOfold, on half the estate.
That’s right; with a separation, your default is 1/4. So you will need to budget carefully.
The court will not care as much about your expenses are they will about the income of the parent paying it. He/she is not obligated to pay for ALL of your expenses.
If you know nothing about money, it’s time to pick up a book! Look in your local college catalogue – sometimes they offer basic courses about money. It may appear to be a monumental task, but just take it step by step.
Restructure of YOU
Divorce causes a lot of self-doubt. You were suppose to be with this one person forever. Now what? Your life is now full of opportunities! It is time now to go out and meet people. Learn some skills you’ve always wanted to learn. With shared custody, you will have more time to spend restructuring yourself.
It may hurt a lot now and for a little while to come, but eventually, you will move on. Everybody does. Unlike a heart attack, ebola, or a broken heart, nobody really dies of a DIVORCE. Change your perspective, take good care of yourself, and find a good support system to help you restructure.
Divorce is Restructure, Not Destruction