Divorce is NOT a Zero Sum Game

Divorce is NOT a Zero Sum Game

There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death. Proverbs 14:12

When you mention divorce, most people imagine a clean two-way split of everything: assets, custody, time, and money divided right down the middle – or fought over until someone “wins.”

That’s the zero-sum view: if one person gets more, the other gets less.

But divorce doesn’t work like that.

Divorce is NEVER a clean split.  It usually a messy, leaky financial transaction where a large portion of the marital “pie” doesn’t go to either partner.

Rather, the assets siphoned off to third parties—especially expensive attorneys, forensic accountants, custody evaluators, and court fees.  The longer and nastier the process, the more of that pie disappears into the legal machinery.

Chess and Most Sports are Zero Sum Games

In a chess match, one player’s victory (gain) directly results in the other player’s defeat (loss).  The outcome is binary, with no middle ground.

In a poker game, the total amount of money won equals the total amount lost.  If one player wins $100, this means $100 was lost by other players.

In a tennis match, one wins, the other loses.  Most sports are zero sum games.

Divorce is NOT a Zero Sum Game

Divorce is not.  Why? Because the pie shrinks.

There IS no winner because everyone is worse off.   Dividing a family in half means doubling the expenses on half the income.  At BEST, the pie shrinks into quarters.  Add to that attorneys, forensics, child custody evaluators, vocational evaluators, monitors – EVERYONE wants a piece of that pie. Very quickly, the pie is gone.  Everyone loses (except the attorneys – they always get paid.)

I love my people, but trust me when I tell you this:  I can accomplish a lot more in one mediation session than what 2 attorneys will try to do in 9-12 months (if efficient), $100,000 in fees later.

Everyone Wants a Piece of That Pie

It’s not uncommon for high-conflict divorces to rack up legal fees into the tens or hundreds of thousands. Hourly attorney rates often range from $500 to $1,500 (and higher in major cities). Add to that court filing fees, child custody evaluators, financial experts, professional monitors, appraisers, and possibly therapists or parenting coordinators. Every email, call, and court appearance adds up.

Here’s the kicker: All that money comes out of the marital estate—the same pool of money being divided.

So when one person “wins” a slightly larger slice, it may be a slice of a much smaller pie. The more you fight, the less there is to split.

The Financial Fallout: Doubling Homes, Doubling Costs

One of the most immediate and tangible ways divorce defies the zero-sum model is in its financial impact.

A single household, with shared mortgage (or rent), utilities, and groceries, is inherently more efficient than two separate ones.

A separating/divorcing couple must now maintain two homes, each with its own set of bills—rent, electricity, gas internet, insurance and more.  What was once a single grocery budget now splits into two, often with little reduction in per-person costs.  Studies estimate that maintaining two households can increase living expenses by 30-50%.  

In a zero-sum game, the total resources remain constant, just redistributed.

But in divorce, the resources diminish – rapidly!  In the average couple, both spouses will face a lower standard of living.  The recipient of alimony isn’t “winning” – he/she is only receiving a fraction of what they would get if the marriage intact.  Whoever is awarded the house didn’t “win” – they would need to come out with a buyout and now is solely responsible for the mortgage, insurance and property taxes.

The economic pie isn’t redistributed – it’s shrunken.

Emotional Toll: No One Walks Away Unscathed

Beyond finances, the emotional costs of divorce further illustrate why it’s not a zero-sum game.

In a zero-sum scenario, one person’s emotional “win” would balance out the other’s loss. But divorce doesn’t work that way. Both spouses often experience profound grief, anger, and stress, even if one initiated the split.

The end of a marriage means the loss of shared dreams, routines, and a sense of stability.  Even in cases where one spouse feels liberated, that temporary relief is often immediately replaced by guilt, loneliness, or the strain of navigating co-parenting or single life.

The emotional losses aren’t limited to the couple.  Extended families—parents, siblings, in-laws—lose the unity of a shared family structure. Friendships may fracture as mutual friends feel forced to choose sides.

Most painfully, children bear a heavy burden, which brings us to the heart of why divorce is so devastating.

The Children Who Suffer

Children almost always lose, regardless of how amicable the divorce is.  The shift from one home to two disrupts their sense of security. They may shuttle between households, navigating different rules, schedules, and emotional climates.  This instability can manifest in anxiety, depression, or behavioral issues, with studies showing that children of divorced parents are at higher risk for academic struggles and mental health challenges.

The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study by Judith S. Wallerstein, Julia M. Lewis, and Sandra Blakeslee examines the long-term effects of divorce on children, based on a 25-year study of 60 families and 131 children from Marin County, California.  The study, starting in 1971, tracked these children into adulthood, comparing them to peers from intact families. Below is a summary of the key findings and themes:

Long-Term Impact on Children

Divorce has profound, lasting effects on children, often more severe than anticipated. While some children adapt well, many experience emotional and psychological challenges into adulthood, including anxiety, fear of failure in relationships, and difficulty trusting partners.  The study challenges the assumption that children “bounce back” quickly after divorce, showing that effects can persist for decades, influencing their relationships, self-esteem, and life choices.

Developmental Stages and Divorce

The impact of divorce varies by age. Younger children often feel responsible for the breakup, while adolescents may become angry or withdrawn. All age groups struggle with the loss of a stable family structure. Key developmental tasks, like forming intimate relationships, are often disrupted, leading to cautious or troubled approaches to love and marriage in adulthood.

The “Sleeper Effect”

A significant finding is the “sleeper effect,” where some children appear to cope well initially but face challenges later, particularly in young adulthood when forming committed relationships. This delayed impact often stems from internalized fears of repeating their parents’ failures.

Comparison with Intact Families

Children of divorce often fare worse than peers from intact families in areas like academic achievement, emotional stability, and relationship success.  (Notably though, some children from high-conflict intact families face similar struggles, suggesting that family dysfunction, not just divorce, plays a role).

Divorce is Not a Zero Sum Game

The destruction of a unified family unit isn’t a simple transfer of resources.  At best, we hope for a careful and successful restructure.  However, there is always an initial loss of stability and consistency children need to thrive.

Even in cases where parents strive to co-parent effectively, the logistics of two homes and divided time mean children lose the seamless, single-home experience of their pre-divorce life. The emotional and psychological “pie” shrinks, and no one gets a bigger slice to compensate.

Divorce is a Negative-Sum Game

In divorce, the pie shinks.  The total outcome is always LESS than what previously existed.

The financial, emotional, and social burdens/  costs don’t just redistribute; they multiply, leaving everyone with less.

The creation of two households doubles expenses while halving efficiency. The emotional toll erodes mental health and relationships across the board. And children, far from being neutral players, suffer the most profound losses, with ripple effects that can last a lifetime.

This isn’t to say that divorce is never justified. In cases of abuse, separation may be the healthiest option. But even then, it’s not a game where one side wins and the other loses.  Just because it’s someone else’s “fault”, doesn’t mean you are free from the fallout.

Divorce is a negative sum game where everyone pays a price, and the idea of “coming out ahead” is an illusion.  The pie doesn’t just get sliced differently—it gets smaller.

Moving Forward: Mitigating the Losses With Collaborative Solutions

Understanding that divorce is not a zero-sum game should shift our thinking on how to best handle conflict.

Rather than fighting to “win” the most assets or time, couples can focus on minimizing the collective losses.

Collaborative divorce processes, mediation, and co-parenting strategies can help preserve resources and prioritize children’s well-being. Open communication and professional support, like therapy, can reduce the emotional toll on everyone involved.

Ultimately, divorce reminds us that life’s most complex challenges rarely fit neat mathematical models.

Children aren’t fractions – you don’t get 50/50 of them.  And one person getting more does not mean the other gets exactly that much less.  BOTH people end up with less.

Never seek revenge.  It won’t help you.  Choose peace.