Divorce Attorneys Are Not Therapists and Should Not Pretend to Be
For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your[a] faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully. Romans 12:3-8
Divorce Attorneys Are Legal Experts, Not Therapists or Emotional Healers
Prospective clients often call my office, seeking a listening ear for their marital problems. My poor assistant often has to take breaks, because everyone unloads their burdens on her.
Please – if you are going through a hard time, I pray that you will read this blog post- it will help clarify how a divorce attorney can help you in a divorce.
First off, your divorce attorney is not your savior. No human can ever be – only Jesus. But, until you are willing to receive Him in our life as Lord and Savior, therapists are still a better option than attorneys in the pre-filing stage.
What Do Divorce Attorneys Do?
Hint: NOT talk therapy.
Divorce attorneys are skilled at untangling the legal knots of your marriage—dividing assets, negotiating custody, and ensuring your rights are protected. For more details, read this article: What Divorce Lawyers Can and Can’t Do.
Lawyers took law classes like contracts, torts, Constitutional Law, property law, and sometimes family law. Law schools do not offer psychology or counseling classes.
As such, an attorney is trained to analyze and draft contracts, read case law and statutes, respond to opposing arguments. They are NOT trained for emotional regulations or talking clients off cliffs.
Though a family law attorney can develop “people skills” through years of guiding clients through catastrophes, make no mistake – it’s NOT part of their legal training.
Family Law is Extremely Volatile
Family law attorneys face disproportionate risks of violence, including murder, compared to other legal specialties, due to the emotionally charged nature of their work. (This is also because they are NOT equipped to handle emotional fallouts).
A 2018 ABA Journal article titled The Job Is Killing Them is tellingly informative. Family law attorneys reported higher rates of threats and violence compared to other specialties. The surveys in that article (spanning 2006–2017 across 27 states) revealed that 54.4% of family law attorneys reported threats or attacks from opposing parties, compared to 38% for lawyers generally.
No other legal specialty – corporate law or even criminal defense—consistently reports this level of personal danger tied to client interactions.
Violence on Family Law Attorneys
Yes, there have been instances where divorce attorneys have been murdered, underscoring the volatile and emotionally charged nature of family law.
Sara Quirt Sann (Wisconsin, 2017)
Sara Quirt Sann, a 43-year-old family law attorney in Wausau, Wisconsin, was killed in a violent rampage by Nengmy Vang, the estranged husband of her client, Naly Vang.
Nengmy was pressuring Naly to resolve their divorce through a traditional Hmong process rather than the courts, which Naly resisted with Sann’s legal support.
On March 22, 2017, Nengmy stormed into Naly’s workplace, killed two coworkers, then went to her attorney Sann’s office and shot her dead before taking his own life.
This tragedy led to “Sara’s Law” in Wisconsin, enhancing penalties for threats or violence against family law attorneys.
Doug Lewis (Georgia, 2022)
Doug Lewis, a Georgia attorney, was shot to death in his law office on December 11, 2022, by the ex-husband of a client he was representing in a divorce case filed the previous year.
The suspect also set Lewis’s office on fire after the killing.
The couple was scheduled to return to court the following week, suggesting escalating tensions.
This case demonstrates how divorce proceedings can become flashpoints for rage, with attorneys caught in the crossfire of their clients’ unresolved conflicts.
Mary Jo Jensen-Carter (New York, 1997)
Mary Jo Jensen-Carter, a divorce attorney in Geneseo, New York, was murdered by James Callanan, the husband of her client, on December 15, 1997.
Callanan ambushed Jensen-Carter in her office driveway, shooting her multiple times before committing suicide. The motive was tied to a contentious divorce settlement.
Family Law Attorneys Are NOT Therapists and Should Not Pretend to Be
The horrible examples above reveal the raw volatility in family law, where attorneys navigate not just legal disputes but the fallout of fractured relationships.
Expecting divorce attorneys to double as therapists—handling clients’ emotional meltdowns or predicting violent outbursts—is unrealistic and can hurt both the attorney (by placing them in the midst of misplaced fury), as well as the client.
The Danger of Blurring the Lines for the Client
When you lean on your divorce attorney for emotional support, you’re not just misplacing your expectations—you’re risking real downsides.
For one, it can cloud their judgment. Attorneys need to stay objective to represent you effectively. Years ago, I wrote a blog post entitled: Divorce Attorneys Suffer Caregiver Fatigue; How You Can Help
When divorce attorneys get too entangled in the emotions of your divorce, they might miss key legal strategies or make decisions based on your feelings rather than the law.
That could weaken your case, leaving you with a less favorable outcome. Not to mention generate hundred of thousands attorneys’ fees – which YOU are paying for.
Attorneys are More Expensive Than Therapists
Therapists are much cheaper than lawyers. To your therapist, you can vent about what your wife and husband did that really angered you. These issues need to be addressed. They may not be legally relevant, but need to be addressed – by a therapist.
Do not misuse your attorney’s time by venting.
Each Professional Has a Designed Purpose
Divorce attorneys do not have the professional training to provide the tools a therapist can—coping strategies, emotional validation, or a safe space to heal. If you rely on them instead of seeking proper mental health support, you might prolong your pain or miss out on the growth that comes from working through your emotions with a professional.
Some divorce attorneys I know enable bad behavior – so they can generate more fees.
Respecting Your Divorce Attorney’s Role Keeps Things on Track
Your attorney’s job is to advocate for you in the legal arena, and they’re most effective when you let them focus on that. Share the facts they need—dates, financial details, incidents relevant to custody or support—and save the deeper emotional reflections for someone trained to handle them.
By keeping your lawyer’s role clear, you help them build a stronger case while freeing yourself to seek the right kind of support elsewhere. This article may help: Dos and Don’ts With Your Divorce Lawyer.
This isn’t to say attorneys don’t care—they often do, deeply. But their compassion has limits, defined by their training and their purpose. A truly professional lawyer will gently steer you toward a therapist if they sense you’re looking for more than legal advice, because they know that’s in your best interest.
A good attorney will care about your situation and listen to the facts that intersect with the law in your case. But they’re not equipped to unpack your feelings about your spouse’s betrayal, your worries about the future, or the guilt you might carry. That’s the domain of a licensed mental health professional, someone trained to help you process emotions and build resilience.
Let Each Expert Do Their Job
Divorce is hard enough without muddying the waters.
Your attorney is there to fight for your legal rights, not to mend your heart. Treating them otherwise risks your case, your wallet, and your healing.
So, as you move forward, lean on your lawyer for the law and a therapist for venting.
Divorce Attorneys Are Not Therapists
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