Marriage Advice From Your Favorite Divorce Lawyer, Part Three
Disclaimers: At the time I wrote this, I had been a divorce lawyer for over 20 years, and married for 12.
You can read Part One and Part Two for more nominal advice.
Marriage Advice
As for marriage advice, someone wise said this:
“Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it.
Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth”
Honestly, I don’t know why people seek advice from other people who are married. It’s not like we really know anything. Truth is, as long as you are married, you gotta work at the marriage and you are never safe from divorce, whether it be 1 month or 31 years of marriage (Sarah Palin, for “incompatibility of temperament)
Gotta Water the Plants and Your Marriage
My mother loves gardening and nature and fruits and trees. She always said, “You gotta water it, you can’t not water it.” I may not have listened to her about the plants in my office (which have all since died), but I adhere to this watering theory every day in my marriage.
Nevertheless, since people always ask me, “Since you see divorces every day, is there any insight you can share about marriage?”
I want to be helpful, and hence I write.
Don’t be mean to your spouse.
My profession is one of those special professions that guarantees meanness to spouses.
We all have mean tendencies: it has to do with the fall of Adam and Eve, and free will.
Even Mother Theresa and Ghandi must have moments where they struggled against being mean.
If you have social media and are active on it, and have posted selfies and such, chances are you have been mean.
Ever bashed someone’s political, religious, ethical, moral, spousal, edible choices? Mean.
If you really want to see some people being mean, please visit any of my social media pages and look in the comments. People are very mean!
Don’t be mean to your spouse.
Stop comparing your marriage with other people’s.
People are pretentious on social media.
They post what they want you to see, and not what truly is.
What you see on Instagram is a single SNAPSHOT with filters on their lives. (I know, because so many of these perfect marriages – you know, the ones where the couple exaggerates their affection and write page-long tributes to each other have actually called my office).
Stop Comparing Your Spouse to Others.
So, you’re angry that you’re always at home by yourself, and your friend Elaine always has dates with her husband.
You’re also peeved that your husband forgot your anniversary. Instead of being mad at your spouse, maybe look around.
Do you have a roof over your head? Electricity? Food on the table? Children you can feed? Do you go to work and EARN a living? Maybe instead of getting mad at your husband for not doing something Elaine’s husband did for her, maybe you can THANK your husband instead.
Stop marrying for money and/or sex.
It never works, just trust me.
As one of my clients said, “Marrying for money is for amateurs. Everyone knows you DIVORCE for money.”
Duh.
Turn off the phone and go camping.
Actually, no. Camping can be extremely stressful (no hot water, showers, beds? No thank you). Just TURN OFF THE PHONE.
Cook dinner.
Eating out too much is unhealthy, requires little effort, and puts on weight, which impacts sex life. I cook every day. It’s the one time during the day I don’t check my phone. Chopping, chopping chopping is actually therapeutic – it’s my equivalent of “meditating”. (I can’t meditate because I feel it’s a waste of time to just sit there. At least when I am chopping onions and garlic, I am doing something).
Stop buying useless stuff
Look around, do you have too many shoes? Cars? Clothes?
I think the less stuff you have, the less stuff you carry around. If you are shopping too much, you aren’t working enough. (Trust me on this, when Amazon packages start showing up on the doorstep, it means I need more clients.)
If you don’t have a job, GET one.
It doesn’t have to be paying. But have some purpose in your life. Don’t you ever have a marriage where one person RELIES on the other completely for purpose, money, amusement, entertainment, etc. Don’t be boring.
Contribute to your marriage.
If you are truly giving giving giving, you aren’t thinking about taking, taking, taking. If you are only taking, taking, taking, you’re not giving.
I can’t think of anything else for now.
People, just stop prematurely filing for divorce. Trust me, so many marriages could be saved if you just follow some simple common sense and stop being assholes to each other.
And that concludes Marriage Advice From Your Favorite Divorce Lawyer, Part 3.
For more, see Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, and Part 6
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